I feel like i'm naked in front of a crowd

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 15:49:15 GMT

I don't want anyone else to get the chance to see how truly amazing you are.

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 17:52:42 GMT

it's my birthday and im in a sucky sucky mood...this blows.

JUNE

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 13:17:23 GMT

its june!!!!
im 19 in 21 days
yay.

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 18:25:51 GMT

chile is GORGEOUS!!!

=)

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 17:44:25 GMT

go see RENT it will blow your mind!!!!!

shoow

Wed, 11 May 2005 00:45:29 GMT

My synchro show is on May 27th at 7pm. Tickets are $5 so if youve never seen me swim, or would like to see my last performance eeeeeeeverrrrrrr COME :) if you can that is.
let me know

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 20:10:47 GMT

1) Copy this list into your journal.
2) Bold what is true.
3) Leave plain what is false.
4) Add something at the end.

001. I miss someone right now.
002. I watch more TV this year than last year.
003. I love olives.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own a home.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I love to play video games.
008. I have done something illegal.
009. I have watched porn movies.
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the "psycho ex" in a past relationship.
012. I like my handwriting.
013. I have acne-free skin.
014. I curse frequently.
015. I have changed a lot over the past year.
016. I have a hobby.
017. I have been to another country.
018. I carry a weapon with me everywhere I go.
019. I have been told that I am very smart.
020. I have broken a bone.

021. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
022. I love rain.
023. I can be paranoid at times.
024. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
025. I need money right now.
026. I have tried sushi.
027. I have been to Las Vegas.
028. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
029. I was born in a country other than the USA.
030. I shave my legs.
031. I have a twin.
032. I have Caller I.D. on my phone.
033. I am good at styling other people's hair.
034. I am usually pessimistic.
035. I have mood swings.
036. I think prostitution should be legalized.
037. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
038. I have cheated on a significant other.
039. I have a hidden talent.
040. I have been sexually intimate with more than ten people.
041. I am currently single.
042. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
043. I enjoy talking on the phone.
044. I love to shop.
045. I would classify myself as "ghetto".
046. I am obsessed with my LJ.
047. I don't hate anyone.
048. I am a good dancer.
049. I am embarrassed to be seen with my mother or father.
050. I have a cell phone.
051. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
052. I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
053. I have been in a real relationship.
054. I have rejected someone before.
055. I currently have a crush on someone.
056. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
057. I want to have children in the future.
058. I have changed a diaper.
059. I have had the cops called on me.
060. I bite my nails.
061. I am allergic to something deadly.
062. I have a lot to learn.
063.I have dated someone 5-10 years (or more) older or younger than me.
064. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
065. I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
066. I have been rejected by someone.
067. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
068. I have avoided work to play with my blog.
069. I, as a child, learned "the difference between boys and girls" with a neighbor or friend.
070. I enjoy country music.
071. I love my friends.
072. I think that Pizza Hut makes the best pizza.
073. I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
074. I am a perfectionist.
075. I love Michael Jackson - scandals and all.
076. I have watched the television show "Spongebob Squarepants".
077. I have dated a close friend's ex.
078. I am content as of this moment.
079. I have gone scuba diving.
080. I have had a crush on somebody I have never met.
081. I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't
082. I play a musical instrument.
083. I strongly dislike math.
084. I am procrastinating by filling out this list.
085. I own and use a library card.
086. I have been to Europe.
087. I have seen "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy.
088. I have seen the television show "The O.C."
089. I am resentful that I have to grow up.
090. I like eating Ramen noodles or I used to.
091. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
092. I am currently suffering of a broken heart.
093. I consider myself to be a "nerd".
094. I am ambidexterous.
095. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with.
096. I enjoy smoothies.
097. I have had major surgery.
098. I have a pet.
099. I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
100. I own 100 CDs or more.
101. I am currently in my pajamas.
102. I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" girl/guy.
103. I will try anything once. most of the time =)
104. I have tried a drug that is illegal.
105. I am a cuddler.
106. I have one or more body parts that are asymmetrical.
107. I am a Republican.
108. I am Catholic.
109. I am a uni student.
110. I like to cook.
111. I like to vacuum.
112. I collect picture frames.
113. I get along with my parents. when all is well.
114. I like Shakespeare.
115. I like to sing. although i am very veryyy bad.
116. I practice a religion that is not considered "mainstream".
117. I have counted down the days until the summer.
118. I have fulfilled someone's dare at a party or gathering.
119. I am, or was, pigeon-toed.
120. I have been to an anime convention.
121. I have a hard time paying attention at school. I get distracted
122. I have a car.
123. I am an only child.
124. I work at a job that I enjoy.
125. I sleep a lot during the day.
126. I like the taste of blood.
127. I have swam in the ocean.
128. I know how to shoot a gun.
129. I like being the center of attention.
130. I am currently pregnant.
131. I have watched "Sex and the City".
132. I am married.
133. I want to get married. later...wayyy later
134. I have all my grandparents, none of them have died.
135. I am a huge fan of lists.
136. I have had my hair cut within the last week.
137. I enjoy jazz music.
138. I am a "morning person".
139. I currently regret something that I have done.
140. I have written a story outside of school.
141. I speak two or more languages

my shit is now

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 16:44:39 GMT

Sun, 07 Nov 2004 23:31:03 GMT

how long am i gonna have to wait? im so tired of watching sappy romantic comedies that leave me in a bad mood for the rest of the night.its never gonna happen, it happens to other people but not me. prince charming my ass.
happiness is not supposed to be earned, its supposed to be spontaneous..its supposed to be worth the wait, but it seems like every time i get even a little bit of happiness in my system its yanked out in a new york minute.
i would just like to give a very big FUCK U to all the people who have everything in the world and stil consider themselves to be unhappy.
anyone wanna trade lives?

Sun, 07 Nov 2004 17:53:18 GMT

Once there was this girl
way back when she had to learn
how to grow up while living in a war
she called her home.
never knowing where to turn for shelter
from the horrid storm.

hearing all the yelling she would cry lonely in her room
hoping everything would be over soon.
bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
i still remember how you kept me so afraid

found strength in the others
who told me you would pay
every morning feels the same
and i look back to yesterday
and i am okay
and someday you will pay
as i look back to yesterday
its your fault that im afraid
and you will pay....

me in a nutshell

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 20:54:31 GMT

I'm so tired and so vain,
Always resting on someones pain.
Never caring, always right,
Wondering how I'll live through tonight.
I'm so childish, insecure
Sometimes greedy and so much more.
Never trusting, feeding lies
Hopelessly living for his eyes.

the OC premier is tonight..how excited am i? VERY =)
and tmw is friday, so woooo FUCKING hoooo

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 22:10:14 GMT

for her birthday you gave her a framed picture of yourself that she kept on the stool by her bed. she told you it was the best present she had ever gotten. you were so happy. you had fights, little ones here and there, but nothing major. she came over every day after school, she helped you with your homework, even though you really didnt need any. sometimes you even pretended to be stupider then you were, she never caught on. she was so naive about everything, so innocent and you loved that about her. when your friends invited you to parties you brought her along, when your grandfather died she was by your side. she cried right along with you at his funeral and drove your old honda back to the reception because you were too upset to drive. you would call eachother early monday morning to make sure the other one was awake. you picked her up at 8 and she never minded the noise your car made while driving down the narrow suburb streets. at school everyone thought you were the IT couple, destined to be together forever. on valentines day you decided to surprise her, it was a saturday and you drove up to her house with flowers and rang the dorbell. you knew she'd be happy to see you. no one answered so you pushed the door open. there before you was an empty house, there were no chairs, no couches, everything was gone. there was no note, no address, no nothing. you ran up to her room it was all empty except for a broken picture frame lying on the ground, you came up and looked closer, it was the picture of you, lying shamelessly on the floor. that night you went home and shot yourself through the head with the gun your father had bought just last week. the day of your funeral was dark and miserable. on that day, she wasn't the one standing near your grave remembering your smile, she wasn't the one consoling your parents. she wasn't there at all, but i was.

omgggggg

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 14:09:03 GMT

Synchro is taking over my life, being assistant coach is HARD WORK....and tatiana says i 'cant' have my graduation on the 5th because thats the day of an important meet. IS SHE NUTS i have GOT to graduate, so many ppl have let the team down before, big team and we've pulled through, i think its finally my turn , ive been the "good example" the one ALWAYS on time, always there, always ready to work..( as she so kindly wrote in my recommendation) so please just gimme a break, let me GRADUATE fuckin H.S and get a diploma while missing one little insignificant meet out of the 1000000 ones ive been too these past eight years.
good news is im going to wheaton nov 13-14th n sleeping over megans dorm( shes a girl on the wheaton synchro team) THAT im excited about :) yay wheaton.
bad news is i cant go to the parade today :( and i really wanna...BUT BUT: THE RED SOX R COMMING TO MYYYYYYY SCHOOL..HAHA and not to URS!
theo epstein (manager of the R.S) graduated BHS and hes bringing himself and a few of this 'friends' to our R.S tribute/parade thing at the h.s next week.
IM PUMPED
-mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i want..

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 01:11:16 GMT

-someone to fall in love with me
-to fall in love with someone
-to get into college
-to have enough money to pay for it
-to be able to understand the ppl at school
-for them to be able to understand me
-a new prospective on things
-a new prospective on my life
-for summer to arrive..and soon
-for my mood to change..like now

hotet ne vredno
vredno ne hotet
imet ne vredno
vredno ne imet

its because im bored

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 14:01:45 GMT

In the middle of a free ..w/ nothing to do..mUST keep myself entertained [sorry!]

A is for Age: 17
B is for Boyfriend(Girlfriend): n/a
C is for Career(in future): Physical Therapist
D is for Dad's name:Boris :)
E is for Essential item to bring to a party: cell phone lol
F is for Favorite song at the moment: somebody told me-the killers
H is for Hometown: St Petersburg Russia is where i was born, but now i happily reside in BROOKLINE haha
I is for Instruments you play: noone
J is for Job title: Lab Aide
K is for Kids names in the future: Kathrine (katie, kat, katya) and Andrew (Andrei) or Nathan
L is for Living arrangement: with my parents
M is for Mom's name: irina
N is for Number of people you've slept with: that would be a big fat 0 :)
O is for Overnight hospital stays: another big fat 0..thank god
Q is for Quixotic(extravagantly romantic, impractical): a what wwhat now?
R is for Relationship that lasted the longest: ummmm Stan, but my relationships tend to be relatively short.
T is for Time you wake up: 7:40
U is for Unique traits: i'm not too unique i guess..i can tread water for hours, stay underwater for minutes at a time and stand upside down without touching the floor....
V is for Vegetable you love: pepper
W is for Worst habit: being lazy about everything
X is for X-rays done: teeth...so like once every year or so
Y is for Yummy food you make: oliv'e, wraps, baked potatoes..yahhh
Z is for Zodiac sign: Cancer- 69

-----

Stereotypes I would hate to turn into:

a money grubbing whore
A Soccer Mom who lives through her children
a rich buisness woman who thinks shes on top of the world
A girl who has no personality unless shes dating someone
a cheerleader with long blond hair that fucks every football player she seeys
a nerd who has no life
someone who wears only polo and abercrombie n fitch because ITS COOL
a video gamer
overly emotional drama queen
sex icon
a goody toshoes
a superficial and a fake

(insert identity group) member:

punk
emo
goth
prep
jock
suicidal-depressed freak
wimp
"faggot"
queer

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 19:55:51 GMT

1. WHATS ON YOUR MIND NOW? the fact that i have two days to do a 20 page Anatomy packet
2. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? the killers
3. COMPLETE THIS SENTENCE: THE WORLD NEEDS: less bitches
4. MODEL OF YOUR CELLPHONE? Samsung VAG1000 ;)
5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? cheese
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? red, like FIIIRE
7. WHAT DO YOU DO DURING YOUR CHILL TIME? CHILL duh..haha
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? joe
9. THE FIRST THING YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU SEE THE OPPOSITE SEX? i hate ufuckers
10. AUTO OR MANUAL CAR? i like manual but drive an auto
11. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? june 22nd
12. FAVORITE PLACE? the moon
13. FAVORITE SPORTS? synchro
14. DO U WEAR CONTACTS? no
15. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES? Regina, 12
16. THE COOLEST WAY YOU HAVE TO RELEASE PRESSURE? sleep
17. THINGS I HATE MOST? Girls that im not friends with, my high school, work, being annoyed, polo shirts, stupidity, arrogance, the law.
18. WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING A GIRL/ BOY? the fact that i dont have a dick.
19. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY? Happy.
20. MY BEST FRIENDS ARE: ella/lena
21. CHOCOLATES OR FLOWERS? diamonds
22. WHEN IM STUCK IN A JAM ...i yell
23. Text OR CALL call
24. IF YOU COULD TURN BACK TIME,WOULD YOU.. no
25. IN YOUR WALLET, YOU HAVE? money...
26. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER? darkness
27. FAVORITE BOARD GAME/s? i dont do that shit yo
28. FAVORITE SMELLS? armani cologne
29. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU THINK OF BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP? life sucks
30. THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT: my comp..most def
31. YOUR FAVOURITE QUOTE?? "suck this" haha..no not really, i just cant think of anything else..

i'm gonna die in college

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 17:55:40 GMT

hw is a biiiiitch

-2 english papers-monday
-2 anatomy projects-tues/thur
anatomy paper-thur
anatomy quiz-tues
chem test-monday
chem lab due-monday
stats project-friday
spanish paper-monday

this is gonna be the week from HELL
anatomy on its own is wayyyy to much work
someone tell my teachers too DIE!!

fuuuuuck

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 16:05:35 GMT

not only do I not have a cell phone,
i dont even have a life..
im gonna stay home and do homework for the rest of my life
[w/o a phone]
fuck

hmmm..yah

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 02:25:43 GMT

i wanna be invisible for a day and hear all the CRAP ppl have to say about ME for a change.i want to know everything...but if i think about it, i already do.
im so tired.....

im just blllllllah and so is everyone around me....

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 00:13:37 GMT

Standing with everyone, you do what they all do,
You talk and agree but you still have no clue
Your smile's like a mask just for us to see,
but it's getting hotter inside and it's getting hard to breathe.
Yesterday you're something, you're something that you're not,
Yesterday you're something, you're something that you're not,
Today you're something, you're something that you're not,
You're hard to figure out you're hard to figure out,
Are you who you said - well i can't tell, i can't tell...
Are you real with me - well i can't tell at all.
(Is that what you're like or are you just scared?)

Where did you get that off the tv or a trend?
Who are you trying to be like, like an actor or a band?
I liked you much better when you just didn't care
Didn't care about how you were acting or what you had to wear,
One day you put down something the next day it's who you are...
You get so caught up in their crap you'll try anything when you're the star...
How can they change you so quickly you are led...
Am i talking to you or is who i know dead?

as i write my mom is sitting in my english class at parents night, i hope nothing goes wrong..i hope she doesnt talk to any of my teachers and it doesnt turn into something along the lines of : "how is marina doing?" "shes doing pretty well" "well what can she do to IMPROVE" i mean commmmmmme on! im gonna go pick her up around 9 and hopefully there wont be any bad news... hmm

takin a break from homework...

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 19:18:00 GMT

i've been thinking a lot lately, and ive realized that im sick of people putting me down. many do it indirectly, but it still hurts just as much. first of all, i KNOW that the colleges im applying to are a little less "SPECTACULAR" then those of ones most of my friends are applying to. and NO i would not have a chance at harvard/MIT or even Uchicago, but u need to understand that for ME BU IS a good school and id die to go there, its even a REACH for me, i mean i have a small chance of getting in, and im not sure that i will. im happy with simmons, neu and wheaton. BY saying: "im gonna end up at bu" or something of that sort ur basically slapping me across the face. fact is, most of you that do that aren't geniuses, i'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but even U might not have a chance at BU because college has gotten REALLY competetive and its hard to get in..YES evennnnnn to BU. so shut the fUCK UP.
second of all, my early action is simmons, i am FRICKING aware thats its a FRICKING all girls school, STOP shoving it my face. "oh i would never go to an all girls schooL" "oh i duno if i wanna go to MCP it has too many girls" SHUT UP, just shut up before i explode and punch u in the face, simmons is where i wanna go, its a GOOD SCHOOL and so WHAT if its all girls, do u really think that by going to NEU instead u'll be getting a lot more attention? if guys is all thats on ur mind then fucking FLAG TEBE V RUKI.

sorry thats my little rant right there..u can see im not in the best mood.
oh and before i forget i had the worst fucking day..most of u dont know but i'm anemic and i need to take iron once in a while to like function normally, and i havent taken it in a few days..all day i felt sick and just BLAH and now that ive taken my iron it hasnt even helped at al...and my parents r worried about me cuz ive been stressing over EVERYTHING. i guess its all just part of senior year...yay

its 9:30 AM!

Sat, 16 Oct 2004 13:41:29 GMT

i cant sleep.....

they took her to the hospital
in the middle of the night
her parents they yelled at me
like i was the fucking enemy
what did i do?
what did i say?
she drank herself silly
and now shes gonna pay
shot after shot
glass after glass

the hours went by
she kicked and she tossed
she yelled: "FUCK U GUYS"
but it was her loss
the ambulance came and they rushed her away
they say its my fault
they say i will pay

she drank herself silly
i hope shes ok.

randomness....im procrastinating

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 22:19:24 GMT

[x]been drunk (or tipsy)
[]smoked pot.
[ ]done shrooms
[ ]done acid
[ ]done cocaine
[x]kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[x]rode in a taxi.
[x]been dumped.
[x]shoplifted.
[]been fired.
[x]had a job.
[x]been in a fist fight.
[x]snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ]been arrested.
[]stole something from your job.
[ ]celebrated new years in times square.
[]went on a blind date.
[x]smoked a cigarette.
[ ]gone on an airplane by yourself.
[ ]broken a bone.
[]had sex in a car.
[x]White lied to a friend.
[]had a crush on a teacher.
[ ]celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[x]been to europe.
[x]made out in a movie.
[ ]taken caffeine pills.
[x]been to disney land.
[x]had a crush on someone you hardly knew.
[ ]been to california.
[]been skinny dipping.
[x]regretted something.
[ ]peed on someone’s lawn.
[x]skipped school.
[x]thrown up from drinking.
[ ]lost your sibling.
[ ]been butt nekked bangin on the bathroom floor.
[x ]kissed a member of the same sex.
[]had sex with a boy.
[ ]had sex with a girl.
[ ]given or received anal sex
[x]given or received oral sex
[]been in a car accident.
[x]partied for days and days straight.
[ ]have had a one night stand (two x's if you don’t remember the persons name)
[x]had a family member die.
[x]played 'clue'.
[x]had a sleepover party.
[x]went ice skating.
[x]been cheated on
[x]had a boyfriend/girlfriend.
[ ]had a threesome.
[ ]had a sweet sixteen
[ ]had a quinceanera.
[ ]had a car.
[x]drove.

---------

you were infatuated with cars
more so then with me
your cologne smelled so good..
thats what kept me holding on
for so very long..u were stable,
you were my stability.
"i care about you,i really strongly do"
thats what u said.
and its stuck in my head.
till forever

u keep telling me

Thu, 07 Oct 2004 19:19:31 GMT

that everything is gonna be alright, that very soon things will be the way i want them to be, and most of all the way u want them to be. but i know that none of this is true. i cant be happy, because the only way i will be happy is with you...and i know that but i wont, i just wont do that to myself, i wont be with you, i cant be with you, and therefore i cannot be happy. up until the begining of summer i thought nick and i were meant for eachother, i really had that thought in my head, but i was SO fricking wrong, nick isnt right for me, and i sure as hell aint right for him..i cant be there 24/7 i cant let him obsess over me, im not his type of person, ill let him be happy with someone that IS. now i realize that YOU are the only one i can see myself being happy with, because NONE of the guys that ive been with these past two years have made me happy, NONE of them. while w/ each of these guys ive looked at others, ive wanted to be with others and ive questioned how happy i really was..w/ u i never did that, i remmeber those times perfectly. but i also remember what u did to me and how u hurt me and that is the reason that i can do this. i have too many things to focus on right now. i guess id rather get into college and make my parents happy then be with someone who makes me happy.

You are green. Perhaps one of the most balanced of
all the colors. By balanced, I mean balanced
in both bad and good parts. Let me elaborate:
You're a natural, and somewhat superficial
person. You're extremely generous, but, to add
to the confusion, you're frugal and stingy.
You're a forgiving, but jealous person. You're
imaginative, but still logical. At sometimes,
you're a complete neat-freak, and other times,
you're a total slob. You're very stable, but
undependable. But onto the other traits that
are associated with this color... You're a
stubborn person, simply put. Do you believe in
Feng Shui? Green is closely related to the
thought of having a balanced environment, you
know. When in a bad situation, you're
painfully pessimistic, and when you're in a
good situation, you're extremely optimistic. A
fairly outgoing and amused person, you enjoy
talking to people, and hearing their thoughts
on different things. As a plus, when people
hang around you, it seems like time passes by
all the more quickly.

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

There's always that one person...

Fri, 01 Oct 2004 21:27:44 GMT

That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start

Maybe its easy for you to start up again from right where we left off, but to me its a whole different agenda, its been two years since youve said a word to me and now its like everything is okay again. you said you want to be friends, and thats exactly what i want to be because anything further then that scares me. you scare me. but most of all i scare myself.

edit Oct 2nd
10:58 am

him: tell me truthfully...have u thought about me during all this time that we haven't spoken to eachother?
me: yeah...
him: ok now tell me if anyone that you have been with recently made u forget about me?
me: no one
him: exactly
me: theres only one problem.
him: what?
me: no one that ive been with these past 2 years ever did as much shit to me as you did.